A few years ago, I had an idea for a book. I felt a tugging inside me to write. I thought it would be a simple devotional for women. It would have personal stories & insights like Chicken Soup for the Soul, but maybe more of a one-page-a-day book like Jesus Calling. There was only one problem... I don't write.
So I had this idea... from out of the blue... but I really had not written much more than Facebook posts in my entire adult life. And beside all that, who would want to read it and what the heck would I actually write?!
None of this really matters when God is the one who is tugging at your heart... telling you to write. I know this. I have lived long enough and been through enough to know that I should just be OBEDIENT when God prompts my heart. I knew if He was truly asking me to do this, He would work out all the details. HOWEVER, have you met me? I'm a little stubborn and "obedient" isn't likely a word that anyone has used to describe me. But, the stories of my my strong-willed, do-it-my-way, blatant disobedience will be saved for another day.
Fortunately, I have grown and learned a bit through the years. I am still stubborn and still ask LOTS of questions along the way, but I have reached a place where I know I will ultimately do what I believe God is asking of me. So, I began to mull over what this whole writing thing would look like... because, duh, I was obviously going to have to write.
Almost immediately, I knew what the devotional would be called... Breakfast Epiphanies.
The title is inspired by the movie Breakfast at Tiffany's. When I think of that movie, there are several things I think of.... First, the movie is basically the story of a strong-willed, prideful, extroverted woman running/hiding from her past, working hard to be someone "new", but failing miserably on her own. (Hmmm. Surely I've never been that girl!) Second, I think of the glam... I see Audrey Hepburn with that little tiara in her pinned up hair, with her big sunglasses and her bold, blingy necklace. (I'm definitely a girl who can get sucked in by the sparkly things in life!)
I'll admit. I dig glam. So, I envisioned a rather girlie book. The title would grace the front of a Tiffany blue, hard-back cover. The cover would have the silhouette of a fancy chandelier over a table with a cup of steaming coffee sitting next to a tiara. In my mind this would represent every woman who read it.... A Princess, a Daughter of The King.... having a little time alone with her Father over a cup a of coffee.
If you didn't know it already, you may be realizing, I am a very visual person. So much so I was far more engrossed in what the cover might look like instead of what I would actually write? I have a tendency to get so caught up in those details that I get totally derailed from the task at hand.
What Would I Write? What do you want me to write, God? Of course! My Epiphanies!... Moments of Revelation I have experienced throughout my life. Things I have learned. Things God has shown me and the scriptures He led me to in those times.
Okay. Well, that seemed easy enough. I have had plenty of those "Ah-ha" moments in my life... Moments when it was like someone literally hit me over the head with a wrought-iron frying pan. Most of the times it was like "Well, DUH, Julie!" But, when I started thinking about those moments, OUCH, that's when I realized I was going to have to be vulnerable and relive what brought me to those epiphanies... and often it was following a pretty dark place.
Now it didn't sound so easy. And now I didn't want to do it. Just thinking about digging up some of those hurt-filled, heart- breaking times began to make me lose sleep, feel anxious and remind myself ALLLLLLL the reasons I did NOT need to do it. After all, I can't write.... And who would want to read it anyway? Right?!
So, I pushed it aside. There was not going to be any writing by me.
Wellll, have any of you ever decided you know what's best for you... even when God is prompting you to do something different? Yeah? How'd that work for ya? Yeah. Me too.
One day I decided to change my dialogue with God. I wasn't going to say "Nope, I'm not doin it!", but I still wanted to understand WHY? I started talking to him about how He has brought me sooo far from those dark places and I don't want to go back to them. I told Him I was so much healthier now and I didn't want look back. I insisted I was better looking forward and tried to bargain that maybe I could write about new things moving forward. And I argued again that no one would read it, so there was no point in wading through all the muck again.
That's when it happened. My epiphany about why I needed to write my epiphanies. It wasn't just about obedience (although, I believe He is ALWAYS working on me about that). And it wasn't about who would read it. It was about me....for me.
God wants me to walk though all those things and write all those stories for ME. He wants me to take a journey with Him. A journey that reminds me where I have been and all He has delivered me from. So much of my brokenness was buried before I really even healed. Life forced me to move forward to survive. And when you are in survival mode, you are often just functioning, not even feeling. There are things I need to feel. Not because He wants me to be buried in brokenness again, but rather because He wants to fully reveal my restoration.
I will admit, I still have some fears, apprehension and anxiety about this journey, but I am trusting Him along the way. He has never left me. He has never failed me. And I'm far less worried about who will read what I write now that I know it's really for me. My perspective about this has changed and my heart is opening to what God has for me. I know He is going to help me GROW in BiG ways. I believe He just might have some really cool stuff in store for me! :)